Thank you for suggesting that I put up a profile on Christian Cafe. I have talked with a few men, and I’m so positive about the whole experience. I have yet to meet someone in person but I’m impressed with the number of great men on the site.
God Bless you greatly.
A female reader recently sent me the email above and made my day!
I especially like that she wrote, “I’m impressed with the number of great men on the site.” To me, what sets Christian Cafe apart is that their staff screens every profile and delete those of indecent men and women. When I was a member, I’d never received any lewd emails from creeps, which you’ll often get on most other dating sites that are not Christian-run.
There are fewer nominal Christians there (false converts who claim they’re saved but live in ways that dishonor God) than on other dating sites. I exchanged messages with many decent, godly men there.
“I have yet to meet someone in person.” That made me smile in understanding. Online dating isn’t magic. You probably won’t meet the love of you life in person within 10 days of signing up!
When I was single I signed up for a year on Christian Cafe.
I corresponded with and got to know many people on the site, but met in person only three men from there. Not many (I guess I’m picky). But all three of them were marriage-minded, chaste, godly, involved in ministry, knew their Bible in depth, and had a heart for evangelizing the unsaved.
One of those three men was my future husband. We have a wonderful love story but it didn’t happen right after we joined the site.
My Quick Tips for Christian Women who Want to Try Online Dating
To give a hint to the men that you want to meet in person soon, you can write in your profile that you’d like to meet a month (or whatever you feel comfortable with) after you talk to someone online.
If you want to get married in a timely manner (within 2-3 years or less) specify in your profile that you’d like to get married approximately a year after you meet the right godly man. What that will do is:
1. Scare away the men who are not as marriage-minded as you are and don’t have your timeline. Men can get married at 40 and still have plenty of time to have as many children as they want. Women past a certain age don’t have that luxury and have to get married and have children before it’s too late, so timing is more important for women.
2. Attract men who want to get married in a timely manner. Many godly single men past the age of 30 long to get married if they’re truly abstinent and don’t seek sinful outlet for their God-given desire for a close and intimate relationship with a special woman.
To give you ideas so you can come up with what to write, this is part of what I wrote in my online profile when I was 34 and looking for my future husband:
“Describe the type of relationship you are looking for?” (this is a question Christian Cafe asked in the profile)
(my answer) “I really want to fall in love with someone active in ministry, so we can both serve God together as a team.
“I’d like to meet someone involved in ministry (evangelism, discipleship, youth, music, teaching, mission or something else, as long as you serve somewhere), who cheerfully tithes to the church or to missionaries directly.
“I’m looking for someone who’s marriage minded, who knows that marriage is the highest ministry given to most people. Someone who values PURITY and will agree to not kiss until the wedding day .
“I’d like to exchange emails first, then talk on the phone, then meet in person. If there is a spark, we’ll keep seeing each other on dates and/or in group settings to get to know each other in real life and develop a friendship.
“If we get along enough that we want to move the friendship to the next level, you’ll have to meet my pastor and I’ll have to meet yours for counsel and accountability in the courtship process (which should take about a year, more or less, but I’m flexible).
“If you’re going to contact me, imagine a cranky old father with a southern accent asking:
1. What are your hopes and intentions in contacting this young lady?
2. What type of ministry activities do you enjoy doing right now?
3. How long have you been a serious Christian?”
This part of my profile eliminated a lot of non-Christians, nominal Christians, backslid Christians, and men who were not serious about finding a potential wife to marry in the near future.
I had a very long detailed profile about my ministries, Christ-centered lifestyle, and what I was looking for in marriage.
Usually a man has to be confident that he’s godly enough before he agrees to contact a single woman like me who made it clear right away on my profile that he’s going to be evaluated (ahem . . . scrutinized) and counseled by my pastor, and that I expect to meet his pastor.
Men who were fornicators and were online to find a woman to be sexual with before marriage didn’t contact me because my profile, which demanded a man who served in ministry, valued purity in all caps, and specified that he will not get to kiss* me before the wedding day, was repulsive to them. Why bother with me when they could have some easier prey to get into bed?
(* Not kissing until the wedding day was one of my rules because I came out of the courtship movement and kept that commitment even after I began dating. I’m not implying in anyway that every Christian single should avoid premarital kissing.)
As a direct result of the way my profile was written most of the men I interacted with on the site were truly godly, but not perfect. They had flaws and quirks like I have. But they didn’t have a sinful lifestyle, and they lived a clean, moral life.
So there are many chaste, respectful, God-honoring, marriage-minded men on Christian dating sites. You just need discernment screening them in, and screening out carnal men who don’t care about disobeying God.
I truly believe Christian Cafe is the best online dating site for serious Christian singles, and that’s why I’m an affiliate with them rather than with other dating sites.
Get a 10-day free trial on Christian Cafe (just take the plunge, why not today?):
Don’t panic. You won’t likely find the love of your life during this 10-day trial. It’s just a way to get a taste and explore what online dating is like on Christian Cafe. Sign up, look at the profiles, and get a feel of how many of the single men there are living for God.
Your profile and your photos don’t have to be perfect, since this is just a 10-day trial.
If you don’t have pictures, don’t sweat it: don’t post any. Although if you like the trial run and would like to get serious with online dating later, I recommend that you have a friend take some good photos of you outdoors at a park, in a garden, a pretty backyard, outdoor cafe, or some other nice public places.
How to Make the Most of the 10-Day Trial
If you feel up to it, contact people that you find especially godly. Send them a short friendly message (not an overly flirty one) no more than 5 lines, and ask them one question, like what’s their favorite ministry or their favorite well-known Christian teacher.
Just so that you have realistic expectations to avoid getting crushed by reality: When I wrote to people, about 1 in 5 replied to me, which is normal on dating sites. So if you send the same message (copy-paste: easy!) to two dozens men with godly profiles, about 5 of them might reply.
If you’re proactive and write to people first you’ll get much more interaction than if you wait passively. When I waited passively I had no interaction at all after the first week or so of online dating. Plus, since I had a paid membership it was wasting my money to be on there with no one to email. So I decided to write to godly men first and found my husband that way.
I thank the Lord that He gave me the desire to proactively take action.
I would have completely missed out on my wonderful future husband by being passive and waiting for him to write. I explained why in my book From Stuck in Singleness to Marrying Mr. Right, so I won’t give any spoilers here that would ruin the story. I contacted him first, but he’s the one who had to work hard at pursuing me afterward.
The best perspective to have when you sign up to a dating site is to see it as an interesting experiment and be open to whatever results you get as if you were a scientist studying online dating.
The worst perspective to have is to think, “It’s do or die! I’ll either find The One on this site or die single! I have to do everything perfectly from my profile to my photos or the right man for me will pass me by.” That’s putting way too much pressure on oneself and is unhealthy (and desperate).
BEING OPEN TO LONG-DISTANCE ONLINE DATING
Let’s say the type of man compatible with you is one in a million. There are about 328 million people in the U.S. right now. About half are males. So if what you want is one in a million, then there’s roughly 164 men compatible with you in the U.S. There are about 35,000 American towns and cities. So the likelihood that they don’t live in the same town as you is pretty high.
When I was single it went nowhere with the choices I had locally, so I logically looked elsewhere. For example, many professionals have to relocate to find high quality jobs. In the same way many single women, who are not happy with their local pool of single men, have to be open to search long-distance for the rare man who is wonderfully compatible with them.
At first I was against long-distance because it requires more effort. But I’m so glad I changed my mind. I also had a friend who balked at getting to know a man long-distance, even though locally there was no one who was a prospect for her. She didn’t want to live in another state and leave her family and friends.
I told my friend, “When you find the man you love above anyone else, all that won’t matter. You’ll be willing to go anywhere to be with the love of your life.” She listened to my counsel and became open to long-distance. Thank God she did because her future husband lived several states away. She left her hometown, family, and friends behind to be with her husband. It was worth it.
I also left everything behind to be with my beloved husband, and it was worth it a billion times over.
Don’t Be Intimidated by Online Dating
Below is a photo of what the Christian Cafe page page looks like for your free 10 day trial.
(the background picture will occasionally be different depending on the month)
It’s not too hard to fill out, is it?
I was faced with a similar Christian Cafe page when I was 34 and didn’t know if it would be worth it in the end. I was slightly nervous. I wondered if the man that God had for me could possibly be on this site already, waiting for me to enter his life and steal his heart.
I took a step of faith. I filled out the fields with a username I made up and my email. I clicked.
It was the very beginning. My baby step into what would become a love story with my future husband.
I liked the free ten day trial so much, that at the end of it I paid for a year’s worth of membership. Christian Cafe offered me a discount after my free ten days were over, so my yearly membership was only $89. It was much cheaper than competing sites.
I met the man of my dreams that year. I’ll never forget how he looked at me on our wedding day after my pastor pronounced us husband and wife.
Now when I tell my love story to new friends, I never tire of telling them that I got my wonderful, godly, loving husband for only $89. I love seeing my friends burst out laughing!
What It Looks Like Inside a Christian Dating Site
I took a TON of photos from inside Christian Cafe! So you’ll see how it looks like, how it’s different from a non-Christian site, how it works exactly, and some of the things I did that you can do too to be successful at it:
Don’t Waste Your Online Dating
At the risk of sounding like John Piper, who wrote Don’t Waste Your Life, I say, “Don’t waste your online dating.” Redeem the time you spend there by ministering to the decent men who contact you, so that you are doing good works while looking for your future husband.
Many men on Christian dating sites are nominal Christians and not saved. They don’t even know the Gospel. So you’re obeying Jesus by sharing the Good News with them. Email them a sound Gospel presentation that you copied from a ministry you trust, or send them a link to a good Gospel presentation from a ministry Blog or a Youtube video.
I have an easy to understand Gospel presentation here that you can use Are You Good Enough to Go to Heaven? or you can use your own.
Since you might not know if someone is a nominal Christian or not upon first contact, I recommend that you do as I did, email a link to a Gospel presentation to every man you come into contact with on a dating site. It doesn’t have to go further than that if you’re not interested in them.
You’ve blessed them with sharing the Good News of Jesus’ saving work and that is more important than finding a husband. So you can accomplish the greater goal of evangelizing people, while pursuing the lesser goal of finding love. You can do both at the same time, even though most singles ministry mistakenly teach that you cannot pursue God and other goals (such as search for The One) at the same time.
With the decent men that you’re interested in knowing better, ask them what they think of the Gospel presentation you shared with them and if they disagree with anything. When you discuss the Gospel with them you’ll quickly find out if they’re not saved. If they’re not saved, don’t pursue a romantic relationship with them, obviously. Missionary dating is a foolish idea that will lead you into sin about 99.99% of the time. It’s not worth it.
Many Christian men who are online have been rejected countless times by women, and not in the nicest ways either. As long as they’re decent and treat you respectfully, encourage them in their ministry, encourage them to pursue their dreams, discuss what you learn from the Bible with them, pray for them.
If you’re not interested in them, give them advice on how to pursue other women, or even introduce them with godly, single women you know. I’ve done that with men from dating sites I found decent but not right for me (they didn’t meet my high criteria for ministry, character, or compatibility). One of the men even got married to my friend!
After getting to know your online prospects better, if you have to tell them that you’re not romantically interested in them, do it compassionately with a lots of praises. Mention anything good you see in them, and give them any advice you have about dating women. It’s interesting for most of them to have the perspective of a woman.
Encourage them to keep on searching for love. Email them a prayer you wrote for them about God helping them find their future wife and encourage them to keep praying it.
I even mailed a care package (with a stuffed animal and a letter full of encouragements) to a man I planned to turn down, after months of getting to know him online, to lessen the blow.
Most decent, godly men who get rejected by women don’t receive praises, prayers, encouragements, dating tips, and care packages from them. Be a different kind of sister in Christ and be unusually kind and compassionate with them.
One of the men I rejected online asked me if we could continue an online friendship (not in person because we were in different states) because he really enjoyed our interactions for their own sake, even if there was no romantic hope. We did, and as he dated other women he called me for sisterly advice. When I dated other men and lacked experience, I’d talk to him about it and ask him advice too.
So whether your online dating help you find your future husband or not, don’t waste it. Don’t do it selfishly only for what you can get out of it and see the men as either “The One” or “useless” to you. They’re actual people and they have feelings too. Be a blessing to them and minister to the decent men you encounter. Use your online dating to evangelize the lost and edify and encourage the believers. That is what Jesus has called us to do wherever we are.
How to Pick a Username on a Dating Site
The first things Christian Cafe asks you to fill out when you sign up for your 10 free days are: Your email, and your username.
Christian Cafe will keep your email private, so nobody on the dating site can see it. They will provide you a mailbox right on the site to exchange messages with members.
The username is so you’ll be anonymous on the site (don’t use your real full name on dating sites).
Here are some ideas to help you come up with your own username:
TessaBlue (your first name and your favorite color)
KathyCO (your first name and your state’s abbreviation)
JennyRunner (your first name and your hobby)
KristinRuby (your first name and a precious gem as in precious above rubies)
LaurenGrace (your first name and a quality you like)
JoyfulCindy (a quality you like and your first name)
QuietGentle (combine two character qualities that define you and that are attractive)
Evangelady (combine the first letters of your ministry gift, here it’s evangelism, with lady)
YouthMentor717 (use your ministry title and some random numbers)
LizBennet822 (the name of your favorite heroine and some random numbers)
Avoid referring to your physical appearance in your username, or you may come across as shallow (even if you’re not).
After you click on the link, fill out your email and username and you’re on your way to explore online dating with a trusted site run by actual Christians.
Take the first step in your experiment, and see what happens!
I have a gift for godly women who specifically want to get married in the next 2-3 years. It’s the first 3 chapters of my book “From Stuck in Singleness to Marrying Mr. Right” and my newsletter full of tips on how to get unstuck from singleness:
God bless you! And remember: I’m rooting for you to find your own Mr. Godly!
Click on my picture to find out more about me and why I help godly single women find The One: