Some wise people recommend writing a Future Husband List about the qualities you want in a Christian husband, and some others just as wise recommend against it. I can see the pros and cons of each position, but as someone who LOVES journaling it was natural for me to write such a list when I was single.
I find that making a list is valuable if you focus on internal qualities, rather than on external superficial traits such as eye color, musical taste, or favorite secular TV show.
I’m going to share the list I had when I was in my thirties and was still single. But I need to emphasize that your list will be different because we’re different people with different personalities and needs. I doubt that two Christians will ever have the exact same detailed list!
Veronique’s Future Husband List:
1. He loves Jesus Christ enough to take the Great Commission seriously. He’s involved in ministry. Evangelism is part of his life because he cares about the lost. He’s motivated to learn how to better share the Gospel, therefore he has learned enough apologetics to answer the most common objections to Christianity. Bonus if he’s experienced in street evangelism.
2. He loves Jesus Christ enough to always want to learn more about Him. He studies and knows more about the Bible, doctrines, and theology than I do. He’s ahead of me so that he can be my spiritual leader in marriage. It’s a bonus if he’s intellectual enough to have learned to study the Word in the original Greek and Hebrew.
3. He feeds his mind with wholesome things. He doesn’t feed his mind with movies, music, books, and media that promote depraved values and desensitize the viewer to immorality. He has a fine-tuned conscience. His media diet reinforce clean values and clearly shows that his purpose in life is opposite to modern culture, that his motivation for living is to honor Jesus Christ in everything.
4. His speech demonstrates his moral rectitude. He doesn’t use vulgar language, nor make obscene jokes. He has a clean speech that comes out of a clean heart.
5. He respects my physical boundaries and protects them. It’s not hard for him to be chaste, just like it’s not hard for me. I’m tolerant if he struggles with lust because I struggle with it too (at least I know my hormones are working just fine!), but he doesn’t act on his lust just like I don’t act on mine.
6. He’s responsible financially. Debt-free like me and spends less than he earns and puts money in savings or money market or other investments. He donates about ten percent or more of his net income to ministries that help people and further the cause of Christ.
7. He’s the cerebral type. Like me, he loves books and studying, especially doctrines and theology. He’s analytical psychologically. Someone I can respect as my leader.
8. I’m physically attracted to him. Maybe not at first but at least after I get to know him. I don’t want a lukewarm marriage, but a passionate one.
9. He takes care of his health. He’s disciplined in eating a lean diet and in being physically active enough to be in good shape.
10. He’s responsible and is respectful toward others, therefore he picks up after himself and doesn’t leave his mess for others to clean up. He’s organized and neat enough to be compatible with me.
I committed to hold out for a man like that in order to have the joy-filled, God-honoring marriage I’ve always dreamed of. Then I chose a wise older couple, my pastor and his wife, and asked them to pray for, counsel, and guide me as I methodically searched for a future husband who had the qualities on my Husband List.
How to Deal with Doubts
When doubts murmured to my heart that the list was unrealistic, that a man like that didn’t exist, I retorted back to my doubts that, except for the Greek and Hebrew part, the list described me as well and I existed. I also knew many married people, male and female, who had the qualities I listed. It wasn’t unrealistic to hope that I would find at least one single guy who had these qualities.
So, did I find a man with these qualities?
During my diligent proactive search for my future husband (which I explain in detail in From Stuck in Singleness to Marrying Mr. Right), I didn’t find only one man with these qualities, but four! So my list was realistic.
All four Christian men were interested in dating me, and two of them ended up wanting to marry me. A third man wanted to marry me too but, although he was godly, he didn’t have many of the items on my list. He was wonderful husband material for someone else. I’m sure that if I had searched longer, I would have found more men who met all the requirements on my Future Husband List.
Where Are All the Good Men? (look where they can be found)
I don’t know about other countries, but at least in the United States there are multitudes of godly single men who really strive to honor Christ with their lives. Most of them are involved in ministries that don’t stroke one’s ego:
- some volunteer to clean the toilets at church
- some take out the trash after the Sunday service
- some vacuum the carpet when everybody has gone home after a special church event
- some are street evangelists who are yelled at for lovingly sharing the Gospel in an uncompromising manner
- some go to missions in poor and hostile areas
- some do prison ministry
- some fellowship with the less-than-sweet-smelling homeless at the homeless outreach
These are some of the areas of service where I met many stellar Christian single men who would make great husbands to the right women. These ministries, and many others, are not ego-enhancing. These men are not treated like rock stars. They don’t have spotlights aimed at them. People don’t clap at their public performances. There’s nothing glamorous in what they do, and they seldom get showered with the praises of men.
The Saying, “There Are No Good Men Out There” Is Untrue
If you participate in ego-lowering ministries you will find genuine godly men. Many of these men don’t get noticed by women because they’re more behind-the-scene and almost invisible. Think about it: do you notice the guys who take out the trash or clean the toilets at church? Have you ever gone to a homeless outreach and noticed the men who help out? They’re most likely not paid for doing such unglamorous tasks, but do it out of a servant heart.
Many God-honoring men are also on Christian dating sites in the hope of finding a wife submitted to God. I know from personal experience because I found many of them there when I was single. My own husband, his two brothers, five of my male friends, and the best friend I had before I got married, all nine godly quality men, were online to find a wife. Each of them succeeded too! For some it took longer than others, but they all eventually got married by not being discouraged by lack of initial success, and by not giving up the search for The One.
If you need more online dating guidance, and want to know how to make your profile stand out and deter fornicators, check out:
Quick Online Dating Tips: For the chaste, godly woman who wants to be married in the near future.
5 Ways to Use Your Future Husband List
1. Ask God for wisdom as you write and edit your list. Make sure your list deal with internal qualities and not with shallow external attributes. Pray for God to guide you toward a future husband who fulfill your list, unless God has someone even more suitable in mind.
Get encouragement from the Parable of the Persistent Widow in Luke 18:1-8. The parable isn’t about marriage. But the personal application in your situation is persistence in making your request to God. Pray often and do all the work you can, like a diligent farmer, and trust the Lord with the results.
2. After writing a Future Husband List, the next step if to find quality men who meet your requirements (I assume that you’re a woman approaching 30 or older, and you’re ready to assume the responsibilities of marriage). Ask God to guide you to venues where you will fellowship with godly men who will edify you.
3. Find a wise, godly, happily married couple to mentor you in your search for a man who fulfill your Future Husband List. Such a couple will bless you in ways you cannot imagine.
4. If you want to get married soon (especially if you’re 30 or older), ask others to pray for God to bless you with marriage soon. If you feel comfortable, share your Future Husband List with them and ask them to pray for such a man for you.
5. Get together with girlfriends who are single too, compare your Future Husband Lists (good for laughs!), discuss your choice of mentors, pray for one another, and enjoy wonderful fellowship. If there’s a willingness, form a small sisterhood group, and meet regularly for support, accountability, and encouragement in your pursuit of a godly marriage.
To get the most of of this blog post, below is a journaling exercise you can complete in your favorite pretty notebook or on your computer. It will be very valuable to be able to look back on what you wrote ten years from now.
Journal prompt #1: How many of your requirements for a future husband describe yourself?
Journal prompt #2: List the godly married couples you know who are wiser than you and able to mentor you toward marriage. Ask God to lead you in your choice, pick the best couple, and ask them this week if they would be open to mentor you in your pursuit of marriage.
Journal prompt #3: If you want to get married, what are you doing on a consistent basis to find quality men who meet your requirements? (if you believe it’s more godly to be passive and do nothing about your love life, please read my love story, scroll down, the article is below the green door)
Bless others: Do you have two single girlfriends who would be encouraged and blessed by this post? Share it with them, and bring a smile to their day!
If you’re chaste, godly, and want to get married in the next 2-3 years then request 3 free chapters of my book “From Stuck in Singleness to Marrying Mr. Right,” and receive updates so you don’t miss any future article full of tips on how to get unstuck from singleness:
Return the Gift of Singleness: How a Christian Single Woman Found Mr. Right in 4 Months by Making This One Change to Her Mindset (Part I)
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