What’s the line between being proactive in looking for a godly husband and being desperate? I don’t want to be desperate.
Answer: The line is easy to determine. If you’re willing to rebel against God and sin to get into a relationship, then you’re desperate. You’re also making an idol out of marriage if you want it more than you want to obey God.
But if you’re very proactive in pursuing marriage in a godly way, and you’d rather stay single than give in to sinful temptations (such as dressing provocatively, being unchaste, marrying an unbeliever, etc.), then you’re not desperate.
You say that being married to your husband gives you this deep sense of happiness. Aren’t you making an idol out of marriage if you’re so much happier married than single?
Answer: When mothers say that motherhood completely changed their life, that having children gives them a sense of fulfillment, that the love of little ones gives them a special kind of happiness they’ve never experienced before, do you tell them that they’re making an idol out of motherhood?
No, because you would accept that motherhood, in many cases, gives some type of joy that people without children seldom experience.
You should also accept that marriage, in many cases, gives some type of joy that singles seldom experience. It has nothing to do with making an idol out of motherhood or marriage. Certain circumstances in life make life better and happier for people in general. It’s just a fact.
We have to stop pretending that marriage in not a happier state than singleness (for most people). The evidence is that people celebrate the end of their singleness, yet grieve the end of their marriage. You seldom see people grieve on their wedding day, or rejoice when their marriage end through death or divorce.
Can you imagine the cruelty of telling a widow, “You get to be blessed with the gift of singleness again! Be content! You don’t need your husband anyway. You only need Jesus.” But this type of cruel insensitivity is often displayed toward never-married singles who are hurting about not having a spouse nor children.
Singles are often shamed for their pain and lectured about needing only Jesus.
Yet notice that in Genesis God said that it wasn’t good for Adam to be alone. Also notice that God didn’t fix this situation by giving Jesus to Adam for companionship.
What did God give to Adam? A wife.
When people hear that a Christian single is hurting over being unmarried, instead of trying to help them get married like God did, they offer Jesus to them as the solution to their need for marital companionship, something God didn’t do to Adam.
People in church have more compassion toward a student who failed a big exam and is sad about it, than they have for a single who is sad about not having the kind of love that a spouse gives.
People wouldn’t tell a hurting student, “You don’t need to pass any exam. Jesus is all you need. Passing an exam won’t fulfill you anyway. Only Jesus can do that.” But if you’re single, how many time have you heard or read such comments directed toward singles? Probably more than a hundred times.
That’s why my ministry is to fill a need that is completely neglected today. I want to acknowledge single women’s pain without making them feel ashamed of their God-given desire for marriage, husband, and family. I want to offer them the compassion they seldom or never get. And I want to give them practical help to get married.
I’m receiving emails from singles who found my blog, and they confirm that their pain is ignored, they’re criticized for having a normal strong drive for marriage, and they’re given useless platitudes instead of being offered practical help or solutions.
My sister waited passively and God sent her a wonderful husband when she was 32. So waiting passively can work, right?
Answer: Sure. I’m very proactive when I look for a job; yet, in the past, three job opportunities came into my life when I was not actively looking for employment. I got hired for these three jobs (not at the same time of course, but over a span of many years) and was very blessed.
Waiting passively can work sometimes, but I’m not going to tell people that they shouldn’t be looking for jobs.
If you’re 37, want children, and still want to wait passively for marriage to happen as your window of opportunity continues to close, I’m fine with your choice. But please make sure you don’t go around telling other women your age that they’re sinning by not being as passive as you are.
Personally I believe that if you really want something good (such as a better understanding of the Bible, marriage, employment, well-behaved children, a healthier body, or better grades), the responsible thing to do as an adult is to work toward it, rather than just hope it happens.
Any variation of, “My boyfriend is not treating me well. He pushes physical boundaries and doesn’t respect me. I don’t know what to do.”
Answer: Break up with him now and don’t look back. You deserve better than him.
If you stay with a bad boy, you’re essentially saying with your choice, “A husband who cherishes me would be great, but I’m already in a committed relationship with a boyfriend who disrespects me. So I’ll stick with the horrible boyfriend and not make room in my life to be blessed with a God-honoring husband. I’m committed to my poor decisions.”
Even if you end up single for life, it’s still far better than settling for a bad guy who disrespects you and gets in the way of your relationship with God. That’s what it means not to be desperate, girlfriend!
I’m afraid of online dating. What are your thoughts on that?
Answer: I was afraid to ride my bicycle too at first, until I got used to it and could ride it well. Same with online dating. If you’re worried about safety issues, I recommend you buy the bestselling books about online dating that rank high on Amazon.com and read their proven tips on staying safe.
Or Google the phrase “how to stay safe when online dating” and read each article on the first three pages of the search results. That should give you a good idea on how to do it safely. If your reluctance to online dating isn’t because of safety issues but is simply a personal preference, then it’s fine not to join dating sites.
I’m not waiting passively; I’m fairly proactive in trying to meet godly single men. But where I live in the U.K. there aren’t enough Christian men compared to single women. What should I do?
Answer: This is a hard situation I totally acknowledge. I write for singles in the United States because that’s where I live. I know more about the situation in the States where it’s not that hard to find Christian single men. If you live in the U.K., I’ve read that the ratio of churchgoing men versus women is dire, and no amount of spiritualized pep talk will change the math.
For example, if there are 6 million churchgoing U.K. men for every 9 million churchgoing U.K. women, 3 million of these women will remain single no matter what they do, unless they marry believers who don’t go to church or unbelievers, which I do not condone.
You don’t need to hear pseudo-prophecies like, “Just wait. God is taking so long because He’s preparing someone who will be the perfect husband for you . . . Oh, you’re 79? Never mind! You have the gift of singleness then. Just be content.”
I’m sure you’ve prayed about your situation and have been waiting for God to send you a husband, so I’m not going to insult you by saying, “Have you prayed about it? Pray, keep waiting passively, and everything will be peachy!”
You might be among the fortunate U.K. women who will get married to one of the few churchgoing Christian men left. But if you’re not in that group, one option would be to expand your online search outside the U.K. My sisters-in-law are from outside the U.S., from countries where there aren’t as many churchgoing Christians as there are in the U.S. They were open to marrying godly men from another country, met my brothers-in-law online, and moved to the U.S. They’ve been married even longer than I’ve been.
If there are few jobs in your country (I Googled “countries with the highest unemployment rate” and Lesotho in Southern Africa is the top one according to Investopedia’s blog from February 2018) and you’re given the opportunity to look for honest employment in another country, it’s okay to explore that opportunity to the fullest.
It’s a trade-off you have to be willing to make. If you’d rather stay single in your country than be married and live in another country, it’s a legitimate choice too.
When I was single, I lived in Florida. But I married someone in Wisconsin. To me, Florida is a much more pleasant state than Wisconsin. I miss the warm weather, the near constant sunshine, the palm trees swaying in the breeze, and the white sandy beach. But I made a trade that worked for me.
Even though I miss Florida, I’m much happier as a married woman living in Wisconsin than I was as a single woman living in Florida. And I love Florida, so that says a lot about how much more I love and enjoy my husband.
Now, it’s easier to move from Florida to Wisconsin than it is to move from the U.K. to the U.S., New Zealand, Australia, or Canada but it’s doable. I moved from France to the U.S., so I know what it’s like to completely change culture and language (and my sisters-in-law experienced that too). At least the U.K., New Zealand, Australia, Canada, and the U.S. share a common language.
To recap: one solution, if you’re willing, is to join international Christian dating sites and expand your search to other English-speaking countries.
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