The Daring Search for a Christian Mr. Right
I asked God how to find a godly husband and return the gift of singleness, and I trusted Him to give me insight into what steps to take. Eventually, my mind was filled with many ideas on finding The One. I turned those ideas into action and found the man of my dreams.
If you haven’t read Part I yet, please read it first. Return the Gift of Singleness Part 1: How a Christian Single Woman Found Mr. Right in 4 Months by Making This One Change to Her Mindset.
In this post:
- Enlisting Friends as Matchmakers
- Educating Myself on Finding Mr. Right
- Having the Right Mindset and High Standards
- The Local Search for Mr. Right: Top Places to Meet Christian Single Men
- I Kissed Dating Hello and Hugged Courtship Goodbye
- The Search for The One Goes National: Christian Online Dating
- How to Overcome Discouragement, Doubts, and Obstacles When Looking for Your Future Husband
- Hello, Mr. Right! Please Get in Line Behind the Other Mr. Rights
- Down to Two Mr. Rights
- The Glorious Day I Married the Love of My Life
- I Would Still Be Single If I Was Waiting Passively
- Waiting on the Lord for a Husband: Yes and No
- Why Many Godly Christians Are Still Single into Their Late 20s
- No Need To Be Ashamed of Your Desire for Marriage
- Step into Your Own Love Story and Find the Love of Your Life
- What Married Life Feels Like After Being Single for So Long
Enlisting Friends as Matchmakers
Over fifty people agreed to be my matchmakers. Yes, you read that right. Fifty. I asked them to introduce me to Christian single men my age. I asked my pastor and his wife, my elders, my ministry leaders, a pastor from another church, my friends, bosses, coworkers, even my gay coworkers (they knew Christian people too!), my landlord, etc.
Everybody I asked said yes, and some of them managed to fulfill their matchmaker roles by introducing me to godly single men who were around my age. They all rooted for me because they’d never seen anyone make it their mission to find the love of their life in a year and a half.
When I’m looking for a job, I ask everybody for job openings without any embarrassment since wanting a job is good. I carried that same proactive mindset into my search for love, since wanting marriage is good.
(And I think it’s evil to shame singles who are wanting love and marriage!)
Educating Myself on Finding Mr. Right
Keeping in mind the verse about having many counselors (Proverbs 15:22), I sought the help of experts. I read books that helped me return the gift of singleness. Books about:
- God’s will (by John MacArthur, Garry Friesen, and Robin Maxson)
- praying boldly for marriage and being open about my desire for marriage (by Candice Watters, and others)
- proactivity as opposed to sanctified passivity (by Henry Cloud, and others)
- relating to the opposite sex, dating, and online dating.
I also read portions of Wayne Grudem’s Systematic Theology and frequented the Grace to You website and the Boundless webzine for biblical advice to singles. It was a time of intense focused learning.
Thanks to Candice Watters, author of Get Married: What Women Can Do to Help It Happen, I began praying boldly for a husband.
I happily asked dozens of people to petition the Lord on my behalf that He would send me a godly husband soon. I asked repeatedly at group Bible studies too, so I had whole groups praying corporately for me to get married in the very near future.
“The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much” (James 5:16). So how much more can be accomplished by the prayers of many righteous men and women? I wagered that through my actions empowered by such huge prayer support, God would, by His grace and in accordance with His timing, bring my future husband and me together.
Having the Right Mindset and High Standards
Desperation means without hope. I wasn’t desperate. I was just the opposite, full of hope and optimism. The sense of being on a grand adventure with God to find my future husband was exhilarating. Every week, I had goals related to my search that I checked off. All my proactivity was well thought-out and methodical. It was like a serious job search.
When I put massive effort into networking for jobs, I confidently think I’ll eventually find a good job, supposing I keep at it until I’m employed. I had that same attitude about finding a godly husband who met the criteria I wrote down in my Future Husband List of Non-Negotiable Qualities posted at 5 Amazing Ways to Use Your Husband List to Find Your Future Husband.
Except for occasional doubts, I was sure it’d be impossible not to find Mr. Right, as long as I kept at it and didn’t give up until I achieved my goal.
“Marriage is an honorable pursuit, worthy of our earnest intentions and fervent respect.”
~Gary Thomas’ praise for Get Married: What Women Can Do to Help It Happen
I had a confidence that came from being equipped by God and prepared. Like in high school when I’d studied well for a test, when the day of the test came I wouldn’t just hope for a good grade, I knew I’d get a good grade because I’d studied well. I was prepared, and I was equipped.
Some of my closest friends told me things like, “With all you’re doing, I have no doubt you’ll be married soon. I’ll be shocked if you’re still single a year from now.”
The Local Search for Mr. Right: Top Places to Meet Christian Single Men
At the encouragement of my pastor and his wife (who guided me in my husband search) I joined many, many, many Christian groups from several different churches.
I was at Christian fellowships almost every day of the week after work. If it was possible, I never turned down an invitation to go somewhere: book club discussions, 4th of July fireworks, women’s groups, even groups for people outside my age range, theme parks, Christian concerts, etc.
I never assumed anything like, “That’s not for me. I’ll be out of my element. I’ll meet no one there.” I went intending to edify people and be edified in return. So even when Mr. Right didn’t turn up at those places, I still had a great time of fellowship. I didn’t flirt, but I was quietly receptive and friendly.
Incidentally, my theology was refined during this season because I attended so many Bible studies from denominations outside my own.
I Kissed Dating Hello and Hugged Courtship Goodbye
Christian men asked me out. In the past, I would’ve turned them all down for two reasons:
First, I thought I needed to know in advance that the guy was God’s choice for me as a husband.
Second, before I would agree to go on a date, the guy had to go through many pre-qualifying hoops, like talking to my father—who lives on another continent! Such obstacles just to meet a man over coffee at Starbucks. No wonder I had been dateless. These kind of rules were taught by popular courtship books and blogs that influenced thousands of Christian singles.
The new me thought, “Why not?” instead of, “Is he The One?” when godly guys asked me out. So, I went on casual dates. And unlike what I was led to fear before, nothing compromising happened because I chose to go out with men of character. Dating wasn’t a problem in itself at all.
The Search for The One Goes National: Christian Online Dating
I joined four free Christian dating sites and one paid site (ChristianCafe.com). I’d read several books with tips on how to do online dating wisely, so I avoided many of the pitfalls and frustrations that people commonly experience when they join dating sites and simply wing it.
I limited my search, at first, to my home state of Florida, and I was passive and waited to be contacted.
Then, I widened my search to cover the fifty states. The search for Mr. Right went nationwide! I became proactive, set up search parameters, and the dating site sent me batches of profiles that met my parameters. I sent out “winks” (short automated messages provided by the site) or whatever the equivalent, and I sent them out like I was sowing seed, trusting God to make the right seed sprout.
I got to interact online with many prospects. I screened them all through the strainer of my Future Husband List on Non-Negotiable Qualities and regularly met with my pastor and his wife for advice and guidance. I had faith that God was guiding me through their biblical wisdom.
How to Overcome Discouragement, Doubts, and Obstacles When Looking for Your Future Husband
While working toward my goal, I encountered obstacles and disappointments, of course. Success rarely comes at the first attempt, or even the fifth.
Each time I tried something and it didn’t work, it was discouraging. I could have given up several times along the way thinking, “This is a sign that God doesn’t want me to be married, otherwise it would come easily.”
But that’s lazy thinking.
An arrogant sense of entitlement thinks success at anything big in life, like finding true love, should be easy and effortless. But if it were, then everyone would experience great lifelong love. And that’s obviously not the case.
Yes, some people do find true love easily and get married to their lifelong mate right out of high school, just like some people become instant millionaires by winning the lottery. But that’s not the norm.
The norm is working, failing, trying again, and persisting until the great goal is accomplished. Yet, a good number of Christian books for singles drum into the head that great, romantic, fulfilling, lifelong love will come effortlessly, and all that’s required of you is purity and passivity. Just be pure and wait. But that’s like saying that to succeed at a business launch is effortless, just dress professionally, be nice to people, and wait. I wish it were that easy!
Each time I was discouraged and tempted to throw in the towel, I prayed for guidance from the Lord Jesus Christ, and told myself that I just needed to get through this setback and try something else.
Eventually, one of the things I tried worked. Statistically, that was bound to happen. If you shoot a basketball, even if you have zero practice, you’re eventually going to make a basket, as long as you keep on trying. It’s almost impossible not to.
“Oh, I tried this and that and it didn’t work. There’s nothing more I can do to get married. I give up. I must be meant to stay single.” That manner of thinking is as illogical as, “I’ve sent out 100 resumes and I still can’t get a job. I might as well give up. I must be meant to be unemployed for the rest of my life.”
If sending 100 resumes didn’t work, then send 500 resumes. Maybe your resume-writing skills aren’t too good and you need to learn how to craft them better. Or try another approach to get a job. Or read books on job-seeking and consult with experts on how to find employment and try what they suggest.
Get out of your comfort zone! The “do nothing, wait, and hope” method is simply irresponsible if we’re truly unhappy in a situation and want something better.
When I was a few months shy of turning 35, still single with no signs of Mr. Right and without any guarantee or “prophecy” that I’d ever marry, my mindset was, “I want marriage. That’s what I’m working toward, so I’m going to make that happen sometime in the near future. I’m walking in obedience to God and He will guide my steps, as long as live a chaste and sanctified life for His glory.” Unless a Christian woman has that mindset, she won’t muster the motivation necessary to work toward marriage.
Hello, Mr. Right! Please Get in Line Behind the Other Mr. Rights
The Lord helped me find a Christian husband online. One of the men who received my wink was my future husband, and he lived several states away. I thank God that I opened my search nationwide!
Four months into my massive search I found The One. Only, I didn’t know he was my future husband. The problem was that I found several God-honoring men who met my criteria, and they were all interested in me! Of all the problems I could have had, this was a nice one.
My pastor had a good laugh about that.
Eventually, three God-honoring chaste men grew to love me. As a result, my pastor had three men contacting him, sharing with him their desire to marry me. They all knew I would not be exclusive until I had a commitment, so until then, the competition was on!
The three men deeply respected my desire to save physical intimacy and even save kissing for my wedding day. After all, I came from the courtship movement!
Two of the men proposed, and the third told me that, although he was ready, he wouldn’t propose just yet. He thought I needed more time to be as sure about him as he was about me. It was hard trying to figure out which to choose, especially because I had been conditioned not to follow my heart and to dismiss feelings as hormonal fluctuations.
If you need more online dating guidance, and want to know how to make your profile stand out and deter fornicators, check out:
Down to Two Mr. Rights
My pastor got to know the two “finalists” vying for my hand and helped me evaluate them. It wasn’t as easy as choosing between a good guy and a bad guy; they were both wonderful Christian men who honored my purity and treated me well. To complicate things further, I couldn’t help being attracted to both of them because they were exceptional, each in his own way.
Love triangles make for great stories, but experiencing one produced a lot of confusion and frustration, as well as fear of choosing the wrong wonderful guy, if that makes sense.
My pastor helped me discern The One and mentioned something about the “intangible magic” I shared with this particular man, Thomas.
(For brevity, I’m summarizing a lot. If you want details on my proactive plan for finding a future husband and how I navigated the transition from absolute singleness to living my love story, it’s in my book From Stuck in Singleness to Marrying Mr. Right.)
Eventually, Thomas met my father and asked him for my hand. My father teared up, said yes, and added, “I’ve never seen my daughter happier than when she is with you. When I see how you are together, I have no doubt.”
After saying goodbye to my father at the airport, Thomas declared, “You are my other half, Veronique. You are what’s been missing my whole life. I want to give you so much love. I’ve always known that I have a great capacity to love.” His voice choked. “I love you so much. I love you, Veronique. I’d die for you.”
The Glorious Day I Married the Love of My Life
One beautiful morning in Florida, I arranged my wedding veil over my hair. I walked slowly down the staircase to the sound of my favorite hymn Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing, took my father’s arm, and he led me to my handsome groom.
In the presence of God and our loved ones, my beloved Thomas and I exchanged wedding vows and our very first kiss on the lips, all with God’s abundant blessings.
I wasn’t 35 when I got married, but 36. I missed my deadline by two months, marrying within eighteen months instead of sixteen like I had planned. Still, not too shabby for a woman who had zero experience in dating!
My search for love was more rewarding and infinitely more romantic than any job search I’d ever conducted.
I Would Still Be Single If I Was Waiting Passively
Had I not been proactive and just continued waiting and doing nothing, I would have remained single and kept wondering when God would send me Mr. Right.
I had passively been “waiting on God for a husband” until the age of 34 and nothing happened. Then I searched for a husband nationwide with God’s help, with the guidance of my pastor and his wife, and with the prayerful support of a whole Christian community, and I found him in a matter of months. Coincidence? No. Action has consequences. And lack of action has consequences too, protracted singleness being one of them.
If we want results, taking action beats doing nothing.
Looking back on my journey toward marriage, I see that God made all the pieces fall into place to make a beautiful puzzle. But I couldn’t see that puzzle back when I took each step of faith.
I didn’t know the future. I didn’t know how each piece ultimately fit together. It was like that scene in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade when Indy had to take a leap of faith to step into the void of a deep canyon. He saw no path across, only a gaping chasm. But when he took his first step, his foot hit the invisible path that had been there all along, rock solid and sturdy. It took faith to step out without seeing a path.
When I began my journey, I didn’t know where my future husband was or if he even existed. When I went to social events, I didn’t know who I’d meet or if my future husband would be there. When I joined dating sites, I didn’t know whether my future husband was on one of those sites or not.
But I didn’t need to know the future in advance to take steps into the void. I trusted God to guide me. And behind the scenes, He providentially worked out everything, though it was all invisible to my eyes at the time.
In the same way, your own path to marriage is invisible to you now. But that doesn’t mean that it’s not already laid out, ready for you to overcome your fears and step out in faith.
Waiting on The Lord for a Husband: Yes and No
Waiting on the Lord doesn’t automatically mean being inactive. We’re to do everything we can within the bounds of biblical morality and leave the results to God.
But just to wait passively and expect something (marriage, weight loss, employment, good grades, or anything else) is like choosing not to work for what you want and anticipating to receive it anyway! Yes, God is able to perform the miraculous (see George Mueller’s story), but such occasions are not to be viewed, taught, or imposed as the norm to prove one’s faith.
There are two types of waiting on God. The first is like a farmer who works hard as he waits on the Lord for the crop. The second is like a farmer who doesn’t work his field at all because he’s afraid “to take things into his own hands.” He thinks that for him to work the ground, plant seeds, and water would demonstrate lack of trust in God for a crop. So he just prays for God to produce the crop for him (which God could do miraculously if He so chose). So the two types of waiting are:
- Waiting for results while doing the work
- Waiting for results without doing the work.
Many Christian singles are taught the second type of waiting. Bad theology and bad teachings have serious consequences on people’s lives. I feel especially for women in their thirties who are in bondage to “sanctified passivity” and, as a result, grow out of their childbearing years unmarried. And if they dare become depressed about that, they’re lectured about contentment. I’ve seen that happen.
(Except from my interview Unwanted Singleness, Getting Unstuck, and Following God in Dating: How She Changed Her Dating Strategy and Found Her Husband)
Why Many Godly Christians Are Still Single into Their Late 20s
One of the reasons many Christians are still single against their will is due to teachings in favor of passivity and irresponsibility in one’s love life.
Have you ever heard, “She’s such a responsible woman because she does absolutely nothing!” But that’s how we’re taught to be in our love life. A responsible woman will work to the best of her abilities to change a situation she finds undesirable into a better one, and she will do it in a wise manner, not in a foolish manner.
No Need To Be Ashamed of Your Desire for Marriage
If you feel guilty for longing for marriage or if you’re ashamed of moving toward marriage, that might be a reason your season of singleness is prolonged. I know that was the case with me, until I decided to “return the gift of singleness.”
Please, never be ashamed of your godly desire for marriage. For most of us, marriage will be the highest ministry we’ll ever undertake. Wanting to love and serve another person for the rest of your life in order to reflect the love between Christ and the Church is a beautiful thing (Ephesians 5:22-33).
Step into Your Own Love Story and Find the Love of Your Life
Ask yourself, “What resources, connections, talents, or skills do I have access to that I’m not currently utilizing 100% to achieve my goal?”
In Alice in Wonderland, the Cheshire cat said, “Every adventure requires a first step.” I encourage you to take the first step toward the love story of your dreams.
You won’t know what comes after the first step, and it may feel uncomfortable. You’ll be stepping over the deep canyon of the unknown. But you must trust the Lord. Trust Him to guide each of your steps with His hand of providence. He promises to guide you, if you acknowledge Him in all your ways by living in a way that honors Him (Proverbs 3:6).
The Lord might guide you differently than He guided me. He might give you different ideas on how to find your Mr. Right. No two God-ordained love stories are identical. Just keep on taking steps of faith with confidence, joy, and excitement, because you’re on a great adventure!
What Married Life Feels Like After Being Single for So Long
For me, being married satisfies the aching emptiness I once had. I’m not going to say, “Marriage isn’t all that” or “Marriage doesn’t make you happy” because my experience couldn’t be more different.
Sharing a life with my husband gives me an ongoing deep happiness I never had before. I love when my husband holds me as we fall asleep, when he leans down to kiss me lightly at random moments, and when he carries heavy items for me.
It’s so different from when I was single.
When I fall asleep on the couch, Thomas gently removes my glasses, sets them on an end table, and tenderly covers me with a blanket, making sure to tuck in my feet so they don’t get cold. Happily-married life is made out of thousands of little gestures like that.
Thomas prays with me and leads me spiritually. I love cooking for him and bringing him snacks when he’s working in the study. We share goofy inside jokes which no one but us understands and finds funny.
There’s this intangible magic between us. I adore him! I love hearing him say, “I love you, Veronique.” I love coming home to him. I’m not living alone anymore. The love of my life is with me, and this year (2018) will mark our eighth anniversary.
Was it worth the wait? Better than that. It was worth the work.
Before you go, if you want to get married in the next 2-3 years, get some amazing FREEBIES here to get you started on your adventure to find The One:
Bless others: Do you have two single girlfriends who would be encouraged and blessed by this post? Share it with them, and bring a smile to their day!
Read this if you’ve missed Return the Gift of Singleness Part 1: How a Christian Single Woman Found Mr. Right in 4 Months by Making This One Change to Her Mindset
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